


be my heaven in this hell

by miri8luh



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Older AU, Self-Hatred, vague death mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 23:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2559173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri8luh/pseuds/miri8luh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For now, however, you build your own escape from the Hell of your world with Eren Jaeger, too much alcohol, and “I love you”s whispered to each other when no one is around to judge you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	be my heaven in this hell

**Author's Note:**

> eren grows up broken and levi grows older shattered
> 
> song recommendation to listen to while reading: [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br_plcL-GCU%0A/)

The first time he creeps into your bed, quaking with pure terror, drenched in cold sweat, and tears forming at the edges of his darkened eyes, you have half a mind to turn him away. Strictly, he’s supposed to be in the basement, chained up and not a threat, but it’s been years since you kept the titan shifter down there. At first, it took Armin and Mikasa creeping downstairs every night to unchain him, sneaking him up to their room and pulling him close as he screamed. Eventually Erwin and Hanji found out and they let him stay, stopping the chains and confinement all together. 

He had a room of his own, and that’s where you liked him to stay at night. Sure, he would take his midnight strolls to the kitchen, and his shouts with Jean could be heard all throughout HQ, but you needed a one Eren Jaeger away from you at night. At night when you were haunted by your fallen comrades and friends, you had no time for carefully built walls to come tumbling down. 

Eren’s bright green eyes, full of life, love, hope, and everything in between had no place in the horrors of your heart. That piercing gaze, filled to the brim with determination and desire had no place in the clouded confines of your room. Littered with shattered glasses from fits of rage and heartbreak, blood gracing the edges where your hands were a little too slow to flinch away. 

Half-empty bottles of liquor (the best that Erwin’s charming good looks and way with words could get you) were meticulously placed rows by the window. When the sun rose in the morning and you rubbed two hours of sleep from your deadened eyes, it glanced off the bottles and looked beautiful. Then you remembered you only fell asleep when drinking yourself silly, and they weren’t so beautiful anymore. 

You almost kick Eren Jaeger out of your room and bed, but you’ve tried for years to kick him out of your heart and it’s no use. He burrows up to you, just like he’s nestled himself into your very being and his sniffles are nothing less than pitiful. You tense up, but he doesn’t seem to notice—and if he does, he doesn’t care. You think this is how close he’ll get, but then he’s throwing himself onto your chest and outright sobbing, and it’s all you can do to awkwardly pat his head and shush him. 

This goes on for god knows how many minutes, until he quiets down, and it’s then he begins to speak.

“I thought I could do it, Levi, but I’m so weak. I’m not strong, I’m so scared and it’s all my fault, Levi, I killed her and I killed him and it’s all my fault and I’m sorry I’m so sorry I wish I was dead I wish they killed me but they wouldn’t the Military Police wouldn’t I just wanted to die it’s all my fault it’s all my fault I just need,”

And then he cuts off abruptly, mashing his lips onto yours. You’re in shock; never would you have guessed the boy you beat up publicly to save would be a man, laying awkwardly on top of you and kissing you with his whole heart. You kiss him back with just as much passion, trying to shove your feelings into it. You’ve never been good with words or emotions, but you hope he can feel what you mean. 

That you love him, and could never live without him. That you’ve become so dependent on his bright smiles to get you through the day, and when he lost Mikasa and Armin on that fateful day and he stopped smiling, your heart broke. He’s become your motivation, what you fight for. 

You think you’ve gone too far, when you feel wetness grace your cheeks and fear he’s started crying again. It’s when he pulls away and kisses your cheeks with a tenderness you’d doubted Eren was capable, you realize it’s you who’s crying. Normally, you’re sure you’d complain about how dirty it was for him to kiss away your tears, but you’re so overcome with pure love for him that you let him. 

You pull him close that night, and wake up clutched tight in his arms, and when he kisses you with his unbrushed teeth, you let him. (Then, you cram him into a shower and make sure he’s sparkling clean like he just came out of a MP shower). 

\- - -

The second time he comes to your bed, tears clouding the edge of his vision, you wordlessly scoot over, letting him wrap his arms around you as the two of you sit up in bed. You drink yourself into oblivion, and his tears pull you back into reality. You kiss all night, telling each other how amazing the other is, neither of you believing it for a second. 

You tell him it’s not his fault they died, how no one could’ve known what Erwin had planned, how you’ve never forgiven your commander. He hides his face in your chest, and clutches you so hard you’re sure his fingers will leave bruises in the pale skin of your back. 

You fall asleep with him crying softly, and you humming under your breath, as close to each other as you can physically get. You love every second of it; you know you need him just as much as he needs you. 

\- - -

You lose count of how many times he comes to your room at night. Eventually, there is no “Eren’s room” and “Levi’s room.” There is “Eren and Levi’s room,” and no one asks questions, because you'd destroy them and there’s a huge possibility he’d shift on them, and no one really wants to take either chance. 

You pull him close every night, and he tells you how much you matter, how much he loves you, how much you mean to everyone but most of all him. You start to believe him. 

You promise him it wasn’t his fault, and he still cries over them every night, but he starts to listen to you, not just to hear. He lets you take the weight of the world from his shoulders, if only for a night. You let him shower you with affection and promises of seeing the outside world. 

\- - -

You feel old, you confess to him one day. He laughs slightly, and tells you he does too. You ask him if he believes in Heaven. He tells you there must be one, because anyone living in such a Hell on earth has to get a break in the end. You wonder if that’s what the “outside world” really is, and you don’t doubt he’s asked himself the same question many times. 

For now, however, you build your own escape from the Hell of your world with Eren Jaeger, too much alcohol, and “I love you”s whispered to each other when no one is around to judge you.

\- - -

You’re broken, and he’s shattered, but you’re together now, and you tape each other back to functionality with alcohol-filled cuddles, and tear-filled confessions of love, and that might not be much to anyone else, but for you two it’s perfect, and it means the world.

**Author's Note:**

> i was emotional over personal shit and i found this ereri cmv set to "Place de la République" and got a lot of feelings and wrote this in an hour
> 
> im [serbias](http://serbias.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
